krink

Feeling fine today. Away to St. Louis tomorrow for the funeral, then on to Oklahoma on Thursday. I'll be in for the weekend. Cheers to getting away from work for a few days. And seeing my munchkin niece and nephew! Everything else that has been bothering me will just have to wait until I return. In the meantime, I'm midwestern again, and the east coast can forget about me for a few days. I'm looking forward to it.

Last night I suffered from a sort of nervous breakdown. There is a lot of stress that has been building up in my life, and last night it all came pouring out. I realized after talking to a friend just how much I have on my plate right now, and before I knew it I was hyperventilating and crying uncontrollably. It was really scary - and there wasn't anyone around to help me. I think that was the worst part, was having to face it alone. I didn't realize until then just how alone I am out here in Pennsylvania. Sure I have friends out here, but no one I really feel comfortable talking to about that stuff.

I worked through it eventually - walked around town half blind just to get out of the house, bought the whiskey and the cigarettes.. calmed down enough to call some friends back home. It was good to hear the familiar voices and receive sympathy. That's something I suppose I have been missing - people who care what is going on in my life, and people who give me hugs. Those people are out there, but only over the phone, and that's just not enough sometimes.

Today I'm feeling better. Still a bit unsteady, but luckily my friend is coming down from NYC tonight. I'm glad, I don't think I could face another night alone! I hate being stuck here with nothing to do but worry. I can't tell my family how I'm feeling because then they would just worry even more and they have enough to think about with my grandma's situation. I wish I felt more comfortable asking for help when I need it. Next time maybe I will. In the meantime, send me some strength, if you have any spare laying around! I sure could use it.

Whew.

Sometimes you think things can't get any worse. Sometimes you feel like you're all alone. Sometimes there isn't anyone who can make you feel better. Sometimes you just have to go the way of the cowboy, and let a 1/2 pint of jim bean and a pack of cigarettes help you forget your problems. Because that's what being an okie is all about.

Sometimes...

The waiting game is such a funny feeling. As of last night, grandma is in a coma, they took her off life-support, and we're all just.. waiting. It's such a weird feeling. How must it feel to be her, caught and suspended like that, between two places? Is she even conscious of what's happening, or has she already moved beyond?

My brother called and spoke to her on the phone.. they held a phone up to her ear and he told her about his children, and how well the Cardinals were doing. She always was such a great Cardinals fan. I think I'm mostly sad about all the things I never got to learn from her. All the conversations we never had, all the letters I never sent, the phone calls I never made. Having regret is the worst feeling of all. I wish her peace, and think about my dad and his sisters. I hope they're doing ok. They are with her there in the hospital as I type. It will be nice to see everyone again, and I may even work some Oklahoma time into the trip, but it all just depends.

Meanwhile, just waiting.

frustration and guilt abound.

my grandmother had a stroke yesterday. she is in the hospital last i heard, not expected to live out the day. so my work day yesterday was interrupted with a call from my dad, i was in tears in the hallway, distraught, tired, angry. my coworker took me out to lunch for a distraction, then i was able to drive home with relatively little crying. i ended up in my bed and slept all afternoon.. woke feeling so tired and heavy. i spent the evening with jack eating pizza and drinking beer. cheers to friends who keep you company..

back at work today trying to finish things up before i have to leave for the funeral. i have way to much to do, and i feel like people are annoyed that i'm distracted and have to ask for help with things. well, sorry people, but it's a big unsettling to know that someone is about to die, you're going to have to buy a $500 plane ticket (with only $200 in the bank, mind you), and leave behind your cat and a million things you were supposed to get done this weekend. i'm just tired. i don't want to have to go somewhere. i feel guilty for being angry at inconvenienced. i have to put off buying my car, i have to find time to get a pennsylvania driver's license before my OK one expires next week, i have to pay rent, i have to move, and now i have to go to St. Louis.

fucking GREAT. i just want to relax for once!

it's been a pretty smooth week. i saw lots of interesting things.... i test drove one of these. i haven't decided if i'm going to buy one, i'd also like to check out this little guy, but the waiting list is over a year long for the current model. that's life when gas hits $2 a gallon. i will probably end up getting a newer used accord (2003 please). the check comes in this week and then it's up to me to find something i can live with. my old '94 just isn't cutting it these days. i'm ready for an automatic transmission and a non-rattle engine. and a cd player!

tonight i went with a friend and saw the old 97's at penn's landing. despite hearing good things, i was disappointed. my friend said it was like the goo goo dolls, but i prefer my characterization - they're the perfect band for a children's television program. the crowd reminded me of the oklahoma state fair, and the bass player looked like mr. green jeans. afterwards we went to a hip karioke bar and i saw a girl sing one of my favorite songs, maps by the yeahyeahyeahs, and i found out that this show is filmed in philadelphia.

legends of the fall is on. tasty!

it's been an interesting weekend. friday left something to be desired, by way of witnessing a screaming match between a friend and another gentlemen, and then having to hold her hand walking back to the car, and standing aside while she cried and cried and hugged her boyfriend, as william penn watched from his perch on the top of city hall in central philadelphia.

aside from that, it was a good evening, i found a hookar bar just off rittenhouse square that offers decent tobacco, and $3 cosmos if you smoke some. and i got a hug.

saturday was pretty blah.. evening time i went into town and met up with joe and andrea of former norman fame. joe works for habitat, they had a ceremony today for a house they've just completed, and i was left wondering if there wasn't something better i could do with my spare time (like build houses). andrea gave me a nice print of van gogh's "starry night" in a pretty frame. it will do well to cheer up my new digs next month. we ended up out at bob and barbara's, which i've mentioned here before. a bar on south street (philadelphia's equivalent of bourbon street) where the house special is a can of PBR and a shot of jim bean for $3. if you sit long enough, 3 antiquated gentlemen will play you some jazz. most delicious!

sunday i drug poor jack out of bed before 9am... rang his buzzer and was rewarded with coffee and toast. we spent the afternoon at the jersey shore, i walked, he read and got sunburned, and returned to philly early evening. we sprung up a mini barbeque by way of fresh sweet corn and watermelon purchased at a roadside stand. the winding highways of new jersey are a lot like oklahoma. and a nice change from the expressway - previously thought to be the only way to get to the beach. cheers to open markets, especially ones where the don't look twice if you're still in your bathing suit and trickling sand behind you.

i'm rereading to kill a mockingbird, and remembering why it's always been a favorite, but a little sad that harper lee never wrote anything else.

I found a new place to live!

Insert happy Kate dance *here*

Saves me $200 a month, I get two rooms and a half bath (the entire upstairs of the house)all to myself, my housemate/landlord is out of town 2/3 of the time, there is off street parking, it's furnished with happy ikea things, and it's QUIET.

No more dirty dishes in the sink! No more listening to roomates having sex! No more broken appliances that never get fixed! No more paying 1/3 of utilities that I don't use! No more phillies baseball turned up all the way! No more being woken up from naps by the gunshots on the sopranos! No more 39" inch tv with surround sound blaring anything EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm pleased.

I spoke with the vice president of our company, and she said she would see what she could do regarding the promised and then revoked vacation time. I feel much better having gotten that off of my chest! And how nice to know that she sympathizes and is going to try and help me out. Nothing to be done about the raise, that's just a policy that my boss was unaware of. Bah.

But still I might get to visit home again this fall!

Alright, so, it has been a rough last couple of days. I'm a bit stressed out with regards to $$. This is the first time in my life I've had to deal with multiple new issues, and it is a bit overwhelming.

Issue 1.
I had been informed, despite being told otherwise at an earlier time, that I will not be getting a raise this month. The entire company gets a raise in July. But all of the sudden, not me, because I haven't worked here for 6 months yet. That's fine, but I took this job on contention that I would be getting a raise, and now I'm not.

Add to that the fact that a few days after I started work, I was told I would be getting 5 vacation days, instead of the 10 I was told I would get when I interviewed, and accepted the position. I don't know how to approach people about this. My boss is gone for three months. I don't want to appear angry or disloyal and risk my position, but I feel as though I have been treated unfairly.

Issue 2.
My roomate has informed me that he is going to have to raise my rent. As to why is unclear, he feels he undercharged initially, other rooms are going for much higher rent, there are lots of repairs being made to the house that he can't afford...

In my opinion he mismanages his own money and is very materialistic. He can afford gambling trips to Atlantic city, and new tv for his girlfriends birthday, but he has no savings with which to deal with unexpected costly repairs. Such as our toilet being broken. I'm living without a toilet upstairs for over a week now. When I first moved in, the sink was broken for over a month.

BUT I can't really afford to move, because of issue 1 (no raise), and the money it would take to pay deposits on a new apartment and utilities. I also can't really afford any more rent because of issue 1, and because the paying 1/3 of our utilities is very high. I have to pay for cable tv I would rather not have, and electricity in a house where they leave the lights on all the time.

Issue 3
I'm really homesick and pretty down on everything. It isn't helping my interactions, because I need to be assertive and talk to people about these issues, but when you're depressed, you aren't exactly excited about any confrontation.

The scary part is that I'm afraid I'm going to turn all of this into an excuse to quit my job and have to move out, and therefore go back to Oklahoma.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

"This song is Copyrighted in U.S., under Seal of Copyright # 154085, for a period of 28 years, and anybody caught singin' it without our permission, will be mighty good friends of ourn, cause we don't give a dern. Publish it. Write it. Sing it. Swing to it. Yodel it. We wrote it, that's all we wanted to do." Woody Guthrie

Live him, learn him, love him.

The 7th Annual Woody Guthrie Folk Festival is in two weeks. I'm crying because I can't go. You should.

http://www.woodyguthrie.com

"You are an SECF--Sober Emotional Constructive Follower. This makes you a hippie. You are passionate about your causes and steadfast in your commitments. Once you've made up your mind, no one can convince you otherwise. Your politics are left-leaning, and your lifestyle choices decidedly temperate and chaste.

You do tremendous work when focused, but usually you operate somewhat distracted. You blow hot and cold, and while you normally endeavor on the side of goodness and truth, you have a massive mean streak which is not to be taken lightly. You don't get mad, you get even.

Please don't get even with this web site."

Take it yourself here.