krink

i think i've struck a chord with this one. it just amazes me to think that out there somewhere is someone with whom i shared the ultimate connection, and it's someone i've never met. i don't even know her name, but she's a part of me. i lived and grew inside her, and she brought me into the world, and just gave it up. the ultimate sacrifice. this is something people have a hard time understanding, and it's one of the reasons i'm pro-life.. but we won't get into that. just i wish i could meet her, and just say thank you. thank you for giving me life, and thank you for sacrificing your personal health to put up with being pregnant, and the emotional strain of giving up a child. i just cry and cry when i think of all the other people who weren't given that chance... but wouldn't it be neat to meet her? i would love to just sit down, and learn all the little trivial stuff about myself, that everyone else knows about themselves, and takes for granted. where i come from, why i have crooked ears, and why i'm so skinny... maybe my grandmother was an alcoholic, or my dad played basketball. you really don't know how much you cherish all those little tidbits about "where you come from" until they're not there...
(geez, it sure would make it easier to get life insurance :) try and do that with no family medical history!)

well we thought there was going to be a ramone's tribute show, but that's only possible when you have a PA that works, and you can actually hear the vocals being sung.
but we still had a good time, don't we always?

jackass is so disgusting! now they're snorting earthworms up their noses, and hocking them back out their mouths, and beating each other up while wearing full hockey garb in the middle of a crowded street. in front of children!
i will give them props for snowboarding in san francisco, because they really did it, and it looks like it would be really fun! hoo-ray for skaters.
and johnny knoxville was wearing a CBGB t-shirt. rock 'n roll.

on a more serious note: i caught myself watching an after-school type special on the fox family channel about a girl who was kidnapped and then abandoned, and adopted by another family. she finds out and contacts her birth family, and they come and take her away, making her cut off all contact with the life she knew. it is so weird how mental associations work, because out of nowhere i found myself crying my eyes out, thinking about what it would like to meet my birth mom. i realize that all these starry-eyed dreams i have about her might be totally untrue, and what would i do if she didn't want to see me? or she wasn't what i expected?
your dreams can be so misleading.
have you ever thought about what it would be like to know that out there somewhere is some person who you're physically attached to, but you've never met. like you're a part of something unknown. in one sense it's rather exhilirating.. all the possibilities. but on the other hand it's so terrifying! ponder, and kindly respond. -->

i watched cujunto clave perform last night at the firehouse, but i made the mistake of going with a friend who doesn't dance. so i only got to shake my ass as we leaned on the wall by the bar. you can see some pictures here (i'm not in any of them, so they're really not THAT interesting, ha ha ha). after a bit we went to the deli to catch the pistol arrows second set (and consequently get a free beer, thanks to eric) and that time, despite my friend's persistance to stay stationary at the bar, i boogied my little heart out. so here's a toast to the funk-country-rock'n'roll implosion my current favorite local band.

tonight is norman high's prom night, someone somewhere is going to lose their virginity.
don't you miss high school?
i remember junior prom i stayed in this horrible skeezy motel called the red carpet inn, right by frontier city up in edmond. oh gag that was one of the worst experiences of my young life. being 17 and exploring the ups and downs of a whirlpool tub....
hmm.


tonight is the ramone's tribute show at rock 'n bowl.
only is oklahoma is it groovy to hang out at a bowling alley on a saturday night.

EDIT: dead photo link removed. 2.13.03

we now return to our regularly scheduled program already in progress...
last night was lots of drunken revelry, ending up with about 15 people in the hot tub, and lots of beer, and a topless girl (not me). but the great quote of the evening,
a friend i'm talking with at bill's, commenting on a girl across the bar
"man, she's not hot, but she's wearing leather pants, and that just makes her sexy."
guess i need to get me some leather pants!
being hung over in statistics lab is NOT fun.

TTFN.

you know what i think is the scary thing? i think the scary thing is that people are afraid to say how they really feel, because it leaves you so open to be hurt. i know that's why i never do. people feel this need to put you down for how you feel, because they realize that maybe some small part of themselves feels that way too. and they're too involved in repressing it, so they have to put down other people who are trying to come to terms with it. it's always easier to put yourself above something then to really try and understand, to trivialize it, so you can reassure yourself of your own self-confidence.

oh and here's an idea, maybe instead of really hurting someone's feelings, you could just not say anything at all.

but enough of that crap! just had to say how i feel, because, well, that's the whole point of this web page :)

other interesting highlights of my day...
watching a rerun of quantum leap :) wasn't that the best show? always the good ones are doomed to be eternal reruns on the sci-fi channel, of all places.
i'm learning two new songs on my guitar... one, by U2, and boys don't cry, by the cure.
yeah yeah i know it's cheesy, but that's what makes life great.

anyone else who is bored this weekend.. come with me to see cujunto clave at the firehouse
check out this link to the local music scene
okc live

"BTW, you all need to reread this post and really think about what krink is talking about." posted by takeru
in reference to my post on 4.20.01... and he has a point. check it out, and the thoughts that follow.

who wants to hear a funny story? well of course you do, because it's toilet humor, and those are the funniest stories of all.
a woman is driving her son home after they've gone out and had some lunch. and as she's driving, she's gets that unmistakeable, and un-ignorable, call to use the facilities. and it's SO severe, she's not sure she's going to make it to a bathroom. so she frantically grabs a towel from the back seat, and sits on as she drives to the nearest known bathroom. it turns out to be another restaurant, she schreeches into the parking lot, leaves the car running, and tears in to find the bathroom (the towel still in her hand). she enters the woman's room, and discovers (to her horror and amazement) that EVERY SINGLE stall is out of order! she's frantically hopping up and down, clutching her ass, wild with worry, because she knows she's going to blow at any second. she gingerly steps out of the ladies room (no sudden movements, folks) and in a rash and desperate moment slips into the men's. there is, of course, only 1 stall. she jumps in, slams the door behind her, trying desperately to ignore the horrendous smelly mess already in the bowl. she sits down and lets it alllll go. and as she's sighing with relief, she hears the door open and a man step inside. so now she's forced to try and contain her rather loud bodily functions for fear of discovery. so there she sits, with the towel over her head, waiting for the guy to do his business, hoping his noise will mask her embarassing flatulance. and so she continues to relieve herself while he does the same, but as he is drawing to a close, she's still going strong. so she starts to unravel the toilet paper and bang her feet on the floor. anything to cover up those horrible noises within. but all's well that ends well, the gentleman leaves (without washing his hands, of course) and she is able to finish her business in blissful privacy. she ends with a huge wad of toilet paper in her hand, towel over her head, and thinks to herself that she really must not eat at that restaurant EVER again.

a true story, that happened to my friend's mother only yesterday. maybe only funny if you hear it being told, but we certainly laughed our asses off. (asses, oh my!)

did you know your pinky is the true definition of "the weakest link"? well i'm doing my stretching exercises while i warm up on my guitar, and i have to use my pinky a lot, and it just doesn't work. gives me delusions of being ill-formed and awkward. this is worse then puberty!

so you know i love you guys. but now i feel about 10 years older, because everyone had to tell me who else is getting married! one was enough! now there are 10 more! everyone has to stop getting married now! it freaks me out!

ok you know i'm just kidding :) best of wishes to all...

Oh WOW did I have a migraine today. I had thought, incorrectly of course, that I wouldn't get them anymore after I hadn't had one in about 6 months. Looks like I'll have to get back on my perscription again, which I hate, because it just makes me sleep and sleep and sleep some more. So, needless to say, two baths, some sprite and crackers (for the nauseau), perscription naproxen (thanks desiree) and a long long nap later, i'm my old pessimistic self again. I missed myself today.
On a lighter and happier note, I nailed my 2nd round of exams. An A in macroeconomics and statistics, and a B in accounting. Go me go! And I enrolled for summer school, no breaks for krink, just straight into intersession. I'll be in class until the end of June so no one invite me to do anything fun, it'll just make it worse :) I least I get off memorial day, to go see clay get hitched. Speaking of, has anyone else had this experience yet? Clay was my first boyfriend ever, and I believe we "went out" and "broke up" a total of eight times our sophomore and junior years of high school. (correct me if i'm wrong clay) And there was always that knowledge that'd he'd be steady and faithful around for me when i needed a friend, and now he's getting married! I feel like I've lost something, or that I'm really old. But it's not like I can't still annoy him just as much as ever. But how can someone my age be getting MARRIED? I can't even keep a boyfriend for more then 6 months! and he's getting married?!?!
ok I feel better now. :)
I can't believe this whole discussion has spawned from the yotogi mass post. Strange to think if i never used blogger this wouldn't have happened. Of course lots of things wouldn't have happened, or would have happened, based on things i have chosen to do or not to do. Life is funny like that. I chose to stay in all weekend and sleep, because my days were filled with work and ROTC obligations. And it wasn't that bad. At first I was very sad and lonely to find myself alone at 10pm on a Saturday night, but I just went "calmly and sensibly to bed, and to sleep" (to quote a book i'm reading) but then I woke up being fully rested and ready to go open the store and make coffee and sell cigarettes and CLEAN because that place is a pig sty. it was so nice to not be tired! i am always tired!
speaking of work, curtis put in his two weeks notice, which follows with rumors of tom closing the store for the summer. and of course he won't tell cass or I this, because he's just not sure, but what the hell, don't we need to know? I need a job for the summer! and if half-ass closes, I'll have to go back to cracker barrel (shudder) and work with my skeezy ex-boyfriend (shudder shudder). cross your fingers people.

p.s. at the ROTC annual awards ceremony I won the "military order of world wars" award for being most improved cadet in the batallion... most improved what I'm not sure, maybe because I can shoot an m-16 better then all the boys. who knows! i will miss it by and by i think.

note to self: play on sodaplay when i have a few minutes to spare...

"That's why I'm a devoted chronicler of my life and of the things that have happened in it. Because I exist. Because someday I'll be gone, and I want it possible to be said: He lived. He was here." the tinman

oh you probably missed it, i edited that last post down big time. all for the better i'm sure.

random thought: i'm watching clueless, the movie (don't ask) and they have these little cell phones ringing in the background constantly, so i keep thinking it's my phone, but who the hell would be calling me a 2:30 in the morning? because the stalker doesn't have my number, but it's not like it's hard to get...
god bless the ou search page.
RETCH.

p.s. pistol arrows updated their page, check it out.

So the ironic aftermath to that last request, i got lots of email from all my friends, and I can't think of a single interesting thing to say in reply. Well that's because I just read something long and involved and I'm still trying to digest it... see yotogi and you'll know exactly what i mean.

here's my thoughts on the situation... as random as unorganized as they may be. but that's how i am, random.
i have never once in my life had a really significant moment.. never really felt love, or hate, or anything even close. not with other people anyways. just inside me, all by myself. i don't like to let people see what's going on because it just gives them an excuse to hurt me. but still i'm searching.. for god only knows what.. and the search makes me so restless i can't stand it. i know something is wrong, something is missing. and maybe that's what it is. that feeling of really being in the moment, being somewhere, being something. it's always like when i'm doing something, no matter what, like i'm watching myself doing it, but not like i'm really there. i don't think i'm ever really there in anything that involves anyone but me. does that make me selfish? that i won't share myself? but then this medium of expression has given me an opportunity to do that. unleash little tidbits of kate's mind to the world at large. i wonder if that's why i always change... i can never commit. because i'm too scared they might get too close. really see what is going on. that scares the HELL out of me.

in the immortal words of a friend... i am totally and completely ambivalent. i just don't care.
do you blame me?

Hooray for me, I have learned to play my first real song on my guitar! I had my first lesson earlier and it went pretty well, and turns out I'm a lot farther along then I figured. I have some exercises to work on my technique.. strumming and picking and all that fun stuff. But I can actually play a song :) (tugboat captain by galaxy 500). So go me.
I did a horrible horrible thing today and slept in much too late. Consequences of letting a boy stay over until 3 a.m. Shame on me. But we had fun watching tv, so no worries, and it's not like I missed much in my classes. Just lectures, and I can read the book to make that up.
I'm going to be in school solid until July 1.. thanks to intersession and summer school. I don't even get time off after finals :( but I WILL graduate in May 2003. 5 years ain't that bad, and then I'll be a big shot business executive. And not in the military, or not the army anyways. I can do push-ups on my own, thank you very much.

Everyone have a fabulous day, and do me a favor.. stop now and send me an email. My mailbox is lonely as of late. There is a link conviently located to the left.

tata for now!

Here's an intriguing update...
I now officially have a stalker. Learn from my mistakes: never go on a pity date. especially with someone you just met, who lives within sight of your apartment. So I go out to dinner with this poor guy, and make a VERY swift departure afterwards, because I determined that he was a certified psycho based on our conversation. And now he knows where I live because he lives in my complex, and he knows my car so he knows when I'm home. And he comes by and knocks EVERY day without fail. It's gotten to where I don't even answer the door, because he didn't get the hint the first time I refused his sad sad advances. So now's he's taken to leaving me little "notes" every day when I don't answer. The latest have included such phrase as "c'mon up!" and "i would REALLY like to see you tonight." well I'm not going to come because you're 28, and STILL IN COLLEGE and hitting on a girl who is 7 years younger! I mean not to say that he doesn't' have good taste, but this guy is really really creepy. god bless his lease is up at the end of next month (so he can go move back in with his parents in time for his 30th bithday). Someone save me please!

Oh so where to begin, how about with a funny story?
Picture Molly and I sitting up at the bar, at "the bar," having some good beer and smoking and me desperately trying to hit on the bartender, and we decide to read our horoscopes in The Gazette. Ok now put yourself in your dirty mind mode, as she and I were, being very much "on the prowl." Here's mine:
Aquarius (January 20-February 18) The factor most likely to drive us to addiction or insanity is lack of intimate contact with spirit. We all need a daily dose of vastness. Paridoxically, many of us would also benefit from a lot more microscopic vision. Because we're so deprived of divine connection, we're half-dreaming all the time; our unconscious yearning for our eternal source makes our minds wander and saps our energy to dig in and master the gritty details right in front of us. What I wish for you this week, Aquarius, is that you'll be eager to grapple with every last nut and bolt. Believe it or not, it will prime you to be more attuned to the vastness you are missing.

and here's Molly's:
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Border collies are a type of dog whose herding behavior has been bred for centuries. Their instinct is so strong that they will not only round up livestock, but also cats, children, rabbits, deer, lawn mowers, and anything else that moves. Remind you of anyone, Cancerian? It should. You yourself have a primal need to act like a good shephard these days. I suggest you find a constructive outlet for it. Give extra guidance to the children in your care, for instance, or lavish nuturing leadership on your tribe or gang. Just don't be lazy about expressing this urge. It would be a shame if you wasted it on herding a gaggle of chocolate easter bunnies into your mouth.

So, in a "nutshell" (ha ha ha), this is saying I really need to get laid. By a guy who has, uhm, well, inches to spare. And Molly needs to get involved in some beastiality or otherwise kinky sexcapades. She has to stop being lazy about expressing her urges! Needless to say, we laughed our asses off and all the other people there thought we were nuts! (nuts, oh my.)

p.s. what on earth is candance cameron doing on the sci-fi channel?

Other weekend highlights:
finally scheduling a guitar lesson
dancing to blister in the sun with all my nutty army friends
having everyone in the bar applaud for me because i was the only one who was up and dancing (the lead singer said, "hey so let's give it up for this chick!" and everyone went crazy and clapped and screamed. it was so cool.)
studying and understanding my statistics
watching the aretha franklin special on VH1 with my mom (she knew the words to all the songs)

Other weekend downfalls:
seeing donny get a cinder block broken over his chest, with a sledgehammer, while he was laying on a bed of nails. i about died.
running into and consequently hanging out with someone who did nothing but make me feel bad about myself.
working two days in a row when the next person showed up half an hour late, when i had somewhere to be, without even calling. i almost closed up the store and left.

which speaking of... am i in the wrong to be angry about that? i always show up on time, and i always do what is asked of me, plus i actually do something BESIDES sitting on my ass and reading magazines. other people show up late, and are rude, and don't clean up anything.. i am so tired of incompetence. especially at a job as easy as that.

i remembered the inventory adjustment mechanism! did you know there's an inverse relationship between interest rates and bond prices? wink wink. yeah my economics class is so fascinating.

who's going with me to see bridgette jones's diary? hugh grant.... purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

i talked to george again today about my school situation. i've narrowed down my possible career fields, and it's all pointing towards artistic-minded jobs. i really liked the descriptions for graphic designer, or publications editor... wouldn't that be awesome? if i could decide what articles to put in a magazine, and the layout of how they'd appear, and the pictures to use, and the captions... and then a little "note from the editor" at the front of the magazine that would be by ME . fancy! so now i'm going to go look into the journalism degree requirements as a possibility. and i'll write my cousins, one is in broadcast journalism, and the other is a photojournalist. i also have a cousin who is a fashion buyer for Macy's... how about a little nepotism? internships, please! at least i'm not as off track as i thought i was, a marketing degree would be very helpful in a lot of the careers i'm considering. at least in terms of studying visual design and lay-outs. i should go back and work at cracker barrel, all i did was design the merchandise displays. i was so good at that!

and liz is moving in with me next month, so i'll have someone to annoy all the time....

again with this show undressed.. what is it with mtv! it is terrible! all they do is show repeats of spring breaks and music awards and the same stupid videos over and over and over. i finally changed the channel to "i dream of genie" when a rerun of TRL came on. at least i have THAT restraint. sigh.
all ready for my econ test and not scared.. at least not of failing, like i always am. i think i'm taking a step in the right direction :)
career-interest inventories thus far are pointing towards aritistic careers. yikes. my secret fear. that i'm destined to be an unknown, poor, underappreciated artist. but i just want to be happy! why can't i be happy in a job that pays a lot of money! the greed gods are out to get me... any one else have that problem?

oh lightning striking
and all i can think of is tornados... yikes.
at least the warning siren is across the street, i won't miss a thing.

a new resolution: i need to stop being so nice. when someone decides to be bitchy with me, just let it be. and quit trying to make them be nice, because it just doesn't work. at least i have a smile on my face... and at least i can appreciate when someone takes time out to be there for me. i wish people would notice when i do the same for them. so maybe they'll notice if i stop.

and on that note, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to everyone who has been emailing me and answering my page and being my friend. you guys are the best, and you are the reason i get through my bad times. i love you bunches!!

so i think television is programmed to place the watcher in a sort of delusionary-trance.. because i've been watching mtv. for more then 20 minutes. god help me!

god damnit! 3 times i've tried to post and they keep getting deleted. last try.

so that little i'm-so-good-because-i-studied story ended in my friends coming over here when they finished at the bar, and stayed here and causing trouble until 4am. at least i still made it to class the next day at 10:30. and i met with my career counselor, this cool guy named george. we talked about what's been going on with me lately, which all of you know about by now :) , and he gave me an interest inventory to fill out before our meeting next week. man i hope this helps me figure stuff out. and my potential guitar teacher called me back, after FOUR days. men. sheesh. so we might try and get together this week if he ever returns my calls. he's in a cool band, the Pistol Arrows.

and everyone say a prayer for megan, she just had back surgery, and is all laid up for 6 weeks. might go see her later today if she is feeling better.

au revoir.

can you believe this? i can't. i just sat down and read over some economics for about 45 minutes, INSTEAD of going out to the bars with my friends. hmm.

so i know my stress factor is up, because i bit off two of my nails. but at least the other eight are still going strong...

food for thought:
why are people so terrified to work to their potential? why is it so much easier to just be resigned to failure, and not even give it a shot? this is something i don't understand. the mid-semester funk is upon me. always with the 2nd round of exams, i get too tired, too headachey, too "distracted" to sit my ass down and study. i think it's because in the back of my mind i know i can half-ass it and still pull it out and do well on finals. so here i am again, being lazy and sad. oh that gets SO old! why am i so terrified to even try? i just don't get it.

time to go do... well, do something. something besides watching the cosby show. i've seen this episode a million times.

on the lighter side, i made a new friend at the bar last night. there's always at least one thing to look forward to!

a quick lesson in html, and ta-DA, links magically appear.

i did something so horrible.. i just woke up about an hour ago. i slept through every single class, including statistics, which is really really bad. you don't not go to accounting when you have a test in it tomorrow! shame on me!
that's what i get for my late night escapades with obscure men...

everyone make a blogger page, and then we can stop complaining about how we never keep in touch, and never know what anyone is doing :)
they're lots and lots of fun once you get over that initial pinch of doubt about posting your thoughts for all the free world to read.

quote of the day:
" oh speak again bright angel..."
shakespeare.

EDIT: stupid shit removed. 2.13.03

everyone you think is your friend will screw you in the end,
and then just when you least expect it
they show up and be your friend again.

funny how the world works.
oh, and never tell anyone any secrets, because they will always come back to bite you in the ass in the most round-a-bout ways.

those are my thoughts based on an odd experience i had tonight...
in one way redeeming, and renewing some long lost thoughts, but in another way forcing me to take a look at myself the way i was a long time ago, a time i'd care not to remember. and then making me wonder if i still really am that way, just underneathe, and it's been hiding for the past year. i really hope not, because i've changed so much, and been through so much shit, i would hope i had changed.
just a little.

i'm getting out of rotc.

nothing is ever as bad as you think, you just need coffee and cigarettes to gain some perspective.
that should be my new philosophy!

ok, yotogi, you don't get to complain about responses. because i have exactly 2 people that actually read my page, and they don't even email me!
(they just say things to me in their posts, ahem).

my funny thought of the day...
in zoology lab, doing an experiment on fertilization of sea star eggs, and my TA comes up to me as we're fiddling with the microscope
"so are you guys almost ready?" and we're not quite, so she just hands me the stuff we'll need in a minute
which is basically some sea star sperm on the end of a toothpick.
sperm on a stick.

i laughed my ass off!

so now i'm off to read my army contracts, because i was talking to one of the secretaries today about my doubts, and she was like, well have you read the contract you're going to sign next month? and of course i haven't. i'm really really dumb sometimes. i'll post anything interesting i find... probably some secret clause to sell my soul to the devil.
bubye for now.

according to some random guy who bought me a beer,
and i quote,
i "am the goods"

nighty night.

i lied, i watched dirty dancing instead and did three loads of laundry. what is it with that movie? i have seen in five million times, literally. five million. and i watched it again. of course at the best part i spilled red nail polish all over the carpet.. so i was running around like a crazy person trying to clean it up. there goes my deposit!

it's been a confusing weekend. interesting encounters with ex-boyfriends, and obscure people i went to high school with, and milwaukee's brew. hmm.
i went to the bar last night with a friend, and we sat up at the bar, and the bartender kept giving us samples of all the beer. she and i discussed nothing but sex for two straight hours as we drank and smoked, and i'm sure anyone who bothered to eaves-drop was intrigued, but it was loud, and while there were many cute boys giving us "the eye" no one was really paying attention. good thing. we were pretty harsh.
make-up sex, revenge sex, loving sex, drunk sex, morning-after sex, crazy on-the-kitchen-counter sex, shower sex, one-night-stand sex,
of course between us we've only covered about three of those.

i have another accounting test on thursday and i'm terrified. the more i study the more i realize i don't understand! yikes. but it'll be ok.
oh and plans for the summer are set, i'm going to live with liz for sure for sure, and if aun ever commits we'll stay in their 3 bedroom, otherwise liz is moving over here to the ghetto with me. it won't be so creepy with a roomate.

i'm half-way glad i didn't go to dallas. friday night i had a weird experience, that maybe shouldn't have happened... but then saturday night was very filled with warm-fuzzies. my tuesday lunch-buddy came and watched a movie with me, and i gave him orange juice and tylenol because he has a cold.

now i HAVE to put some clothes on, and i HAVE to go study. sigh.
instead i'm just sitting here staring into space.

go kate go.