krink

Ok so now I officially want a webpage that will let me post pictures. This stupid service (that I paid $35, and doesn't have it's own comments, and generally blows goats in terms of templates and hosting) of course does not allow you to post pictures. And I don't want no more of those free pictures sites. They're all faking you (me) out. I know people want to see Berlin! I have pictures of the sex shops! What on earth. Need free page with pictures! Need free page with comments! Argh.

But anywho. My neice is sick.. she ran out of the bathroom - naked as she generally is - "Kate Kate Kate I puked in mommy's hand!"
She was very excited to tell me this. It was pretty funny.

(I hope I don't get sick.)

My lesson tonight was ok. I learned a new song, and mr. guitar says I'm at the level of perfecting Blackbird, and he wanted me to sing too while I played. God bless I don't know the lyrics. God bless. They're playing Friday at the Deli! Yea! Been almost a month since I've boogied down serious-like.

Work today was better. I kept making really silly mistakes and asking dumb questions, and I found that if I made fun of myself for doing so, they respond positively. And then we would get little mini-convos going about oh-i-remember-the-time-i-had-a-customer-with-such-and-such-ridiculous request. Because OH MY GOD did we get some stupid questions today! We sell coca-cola. We do not give it away for free. That's all I have to say about that. I think one of the Tulsa guys I talk to a lot must think I sound cute, he gets very friendly as I log him in and out of his accounts. Interesting. I do have a good phone voice. That could lead to interesting career opportunities someday... *gag* bad joke.

I will close with something the world knew anyway - Curtis gives good advice.

I am content. I had a crummy day of sorts - just felt a little weird around all my coworkers that never talk to me and don't get my jokes. It gets awfully lonely to be in my cubicle right in the center of the action and nobody talks TO me, they just talk AROUND me. I remember before Tonya knew I smoked she thought I was a "goody goody" and now she just ignores me. So I'm reckless, because I smoke, but I'm still not very interesting. It's such a weird feeling to be around people of that segment of the population. Mostly my age give or take a few years in either direction, but none of the girls have been to college, and all are either married or have kids and a live-in boyfriend. The only person, the only male, that I can really talk with amiably, is a college grad. Coincidence? I don't want to think so. That makes me sound like some kind of education snob. I think it's just a difference in lifestyle. They have serious full time responsibility both in work and in their personal lives, whereas I am just a floater kid who is waiting for school to start so she can go back to sleeping between classes, staying up late with coffee and books, and dancing her ass off at the Deli on the weekends. It is adding to my weird detached sensation. Not only do I feel detached from life as I knew it "before I left" (I hate using that phrase.) which was my Norman life - but I ALSO feel detached from this new found "work life" where I just do my 8 to 5er solo, and come home and watch tv.

But being detached isn't some bad thing. No need to grasp your head and moan in woe because I'm getting depressed or weird *AGAIN* (ahhh!)

Sometimes I think I am such a total schizo. That can be the only viable explanation for the fact on how often I change my mind, my state of mind, my mood... I guess that is just a factor of being 22. I change my mind a lot. That should be my new disclaimer: trust nothing you read within, for in the next 6 to 600 hours she will likely change her mind 666,666 times.

And on that note.. I'm going to change my mind that I am not wide awake and I do not want to chat with Aaron but I DO want to go to sleep.

Right. In 5 minutes. love! to! all!

I was having a bad time of it tonight - not keeping my head above water. I think I was just overwhelmed. I've been under too many self-imposed obligations lately that made me crack in two. I have now reached the calm after the storm, which is a good feeling. It was pretty scary to be feeling like I was, because I've always had issues asking people for help when I need it. I don't want to appear weak or reveal too much about what is going on inside. Just have to be good old unreadable Kate. Sometimes that just doesn't work anymore, and when that happens, I need to learn to ask for help. Yes, yes I do. At least I know I can write about it - I never feel weird or strange about sharing how I feel over this quasi-anonymous medium. I just need to learn that trick in real life with real people and real conversations. Because when the internet breaks, there is no where left to turn. Learning that the hard way.

It's nice to be feeling better now :)

I'm still kicking myself, but this time for missing the pistol arrows show on Friday. I just read the good ole front page news and it seemed like of all the shows I had to semi-voluntarily miss, this was not the one. Again I have to plead family obligations. Largely stupidly self-imposed. I miss the old carefree me!

Gandalf so. good weekend?
krink it was very full to say the least. i didn't really get to do much of what i wanted - and as usual nothing turned out as suspected.
krink variety i guess is the spice of life but it was really bitter this time around.
Gandalf shit. That sucks. I usually prefer the unexpected good thing.
Gandalf Okay. That sentence sucked. I can't write.
krink its ok its not always easy to commit thoughts to screen.
krink i prefer the unexpected good thing too, it was indeed what i was searching for, but it just wasn't there for me this time around.
Gandalf It is however easier to type than talk I've found.
krink based on what?
Gandalf I don't know, it's less immediatly personal so you find yourself saying things you might not be able to say.
krink that's a really good point.. i feel that often when waxing philosophical on my page
krink easier to spit that shit out when it doesn't feel as concrete
krink as words.
Gandalf quite. I will disagree with the concreteness of type but it does divorce you from being immediately responsible.
krink oh that's what i meant, that type isn't concrete
krink which is what makes it easier to blab about.
Gandalf right.
krink right.

goodnight comb, and goodnight brush. goodnight nobody...
goodnight mush!

forlorn. not fair to keep developing crushes. on musicians. they are always surrounded by girls who are very cute and pretty and make me feel silly, even though i'm the one they consider to be their buddy and pal. i had such a perfect opportunity to chime in and tell him just what i feel but i lost it and i am now KICKING MYSELF IN THE HEAD. for the rest of eternity. guys, what to do? how should a girl tell you she likes you? just the spontaneous grab and smooch, or the cutesy note, or the flower on the doorstep.. what? ahh! help. me. please.

i should just be me. if me isn't enough, then it isn't really worth the time. fuck all the social conventions of how one should be. i just want to tell him, "hey you know what? i am enchanted with you." and see what happens. right. i will do that eventually, or just cry when i see he has called one of the other six trillion girls that i am sure are giving him their numbers. but i'm the one he's been calling! i know he must like me because why else would he want to hang out! damnit! so then why the fuck didn't he do anything when i was right there in his face! why didn't i! so out of character for me. i usually grab the moment. seize the opportunity.

scandanavia ate all my nerve.

We'll run away together. We'll spend some time forever. We'll never feel bad anymore.

I like Weezer.

There is much things floating through my mind lately. I wish it were possible for a girl to record her interesting, and something rather disturbing, thoughts as she was progressing through her day. For me they tend to pop up when I'm driving or talking to a customer or otherwise indisposed from jotting them down. I need one of those little tape recorders. I just read aaron's post on people who have multiple partners. openly I think, from what I could read. now what? are those people nuts? I can barely maintain one pseudo sort of "I like him and I think he MAYBE likes me" potential relationship where I not getting any of the much needed action whatsoever. Damn. How do they do it? I can't seem to master that crossing over between thought and action. I think about sex all the time. ALL THE TIME. But there is no love out there for the krink. I guess that's a little overstating, I'm sure I could go and have some sex if I really wanted to... but it's just not the way I work. I'm not a one night stander. I'm not even a first encounter-er for the most part... I take some time to work up the nerve. Why on earth would I be so shy?
Anyways so that turned out to be totally off topic of what I was going to talk about, but again in the spirit of Aaron's esteemed writing I won't edit it down. Nothing else good to say. Here's a poem I wrote a few months back:

Silent night-
blue storm-shiney night
flickered shadows race across my wall
slowly gaining hope,
dancing in spite of it all.

there will be none to greet me fondly,
altought i remember him strongly
on a clear december day
he held the door for me.

p.s. I learned the rest of Blackbird, and I can play it pretty well. I just need to learn that trick of doing it perfectly when other people are watching, and not just when I'm playing for the dog. Hmmm. I missed another Pistol Arrows show last night. *gasp* *choke* *thud*

Back again. I just read something that made me pretty angry. I don't know why I persist in reading this particular person's adventures, because they do nothing but end up pissing me off! Some people are so stupid in that they can't just cut off connection with people who are fucked up and scary and bad for them! I'll have to be a pioneer.

Kelly and I are going to see Grease at the Civic Center! Hooray! I haven't seen a lyric theatre performance in years and I am really looking forward to it. It's the matinee show and should prove to be a nice relaxing way to spend the afternoon. That's good, I could use a nice relaxing afternoon. I'm going to see if I can coax her to Avi's tonight, but she strikes me as the type of girl who might have something better to do. We'll see. Love to all.

To kiss the boy, or not to kiss the boy? That is the question. It was his birthday today, he is twenty-five, so I paid for his soup and our happy hour Library beers. Yes I was able to attend a Library happy hour cause I called in to work yesterday and today.. sickiness ickiness. But I am feeling better! Actually come to think of it, better to not have kissed, and keep my bizarre diseases to myself. Very bizarre.

Spoke to Marcus the Swede, he called me even though it was 4am there, to ask me which meal plan he should choose and which dorm he should live in. I haven't considered those questions in many a year. So I told him the quads and the 400 points+8 meals a week. And he will maybe get a place in parkview. I'm picking him up at the airport on August 18th and then he'll get a bike and eat lots of nasty greasy food and generally settle into the American lifestyle for a year, give or take.

Oh wait, you guys don't know Marcus! Me neither actually. He called me once when we were both living in Lund back in April and asked me which school to come to.. OU, OSU, or Texas Tech. Needless to say I steered him in the right direction and now he is officially Norman-bound. Look at Kate the recruiting queen! I rock. I hope he has a good time here. I hope I can help him have a good time here. He better like drinking big red cups of beer at the Deli...

I don't wanna go to the Coke machine tomorrow! Such is life.. at least only two days to go. Saturday more Guiness at Avi's! Come in droves! Drink beer! I beseech you!

Smooches babies.

There is so much about me that I really don't like much. There is so much about me that could once have been great but that I never had faith enough to pursue. Why is that? What causes me to push that down inside in the face of the shoulds and musts and the expected to's?

I like to write. I've always liked to write. Once, in the eigth grade, I won a story contest. I was heavily published in elementary school volumes of poetry and I was the features editor of the 5th grade paper. One of the things I do most naturally is edit my friend's papers for them. So how come just now in a random moment of contemplation did I consider that maybe I should have tried to do something real with that instead of random rants on a web page that no one ever reads anyways? On a good day in given social situations I like to think that I'm a good entertainer.. a good story teller.. a giver of giggles and smiles and quiet chuckles at my ways with words. That is when I do break out and speak, which lately has been not so often. But there have been times when I do and I again recognize that look in someone's eye... that look that they listen and enjoy. What I have to say. Maybe that's the problem, is the lack of reinforcement. No one ever tells me they read anything I write so I just assume it's boring crap that they could care less about. A webpage needs someway for me to sneak into everyone's mind and see just what they think of it. The comments don't cut it. Only three people write things ( I love you guys, by the way ) ... I want to know what the other one's think. The ones that don't know me. Like the guy I met once at the deli that had stumbled onto my page from a random reference on a local band site. That was one of the neatest experiences I've ever had, being told my writing was interesting by someone I didn't know. Being told they wish they could write that, about what was really going on, and not care what other people thought.

Well, that, and the fact that I just watched the season premiere of Sex and the City, twice, which has me in a laptoping mood a la Carrie Bradshaw. The nice thing about my new place: seven channels of HBO. or is it nine? No matter. Nice either way!

I was decorating my room earlier, and I opened up my envelope of travel goodies. It was hard for me to do that, very nostalgic. I remembered a story I don' t know that I ever told.. and I want to write it out. I want to write out all my stories, because I think they might be kind of neat for people to read. The scuba divers who saved me when I lost the keys to the car and drove me the two-hour ride home. The random mean lady in the Berlin station who gave me wrong directions and got me lost in the ghetto, and then the German boys that stole someone's bag and tried to stick me with it (and I'm assuming, the blame) afterwards. Because you know what? Even if I feel fucked up inside, socially inept and funky, and insecure... I can still tell a good story sometimes. Nice things did happen to me once, maybe they still will again?

I have a spare ticket to see the lyric theatre production of Grease at the Civic Center on Thursday night. Janke has first dibs, assuming he will drive. That is the catch, whoever gets it has to drive, I can't afford to drive to the city more then the five times a week I go to work. My gas card bill this month was $75. Nice. So speak up if you want it, I'll go with you and I won't bite - I promise.

Unless you want me to.

There is a very naked little girl standing to my right. Who is apologizing and asking please please please won't I be her friend again (she declared our relationship to be eternally ended earlier in a flurry of tears) and won't I please get out and play my band. My band is what she calls my guitar. She likes to sing to twinkle twinkle little star. And here's a secret, that's the same tune as the alphabet. So two songs for the price of one!

We took my brother to the airport today. He's gone to Tennessee for a month to train for Cracker Barrel Management stuff. He'll be back I think for a weekend in another two weeks, at which point I will take my leave and go stay somewhere else interesting to avoid the lovely-dovey honeymooner shit. So if anyone feels like putting me up for a weekend, just let me know.. I'll keep your house nice and clean.

Last night I bought dinner for a nice drummer boy. Here's hoping...

And back to the grind tomorrow. It's been a long weekend of concerts and moving and screaming neices... sigh. Tired!

it's funny to have friends that work for KJ103....

because then you get to go and see the Britney Spears concert for free :)
(she's hot)

love to all.

ah shit.. look, kate is home and bored. nowhere to go, nothing to do. so i did what any sane person would do. i called avi! off i go...

Dance and be merry... you people need to get your asses out of the house and go support some local music. It gets so old to hear people complain about how there is nothing to do in this town. Maybe you just have to be away for awhile to appreciate what really is there right under your nose.

And it is so incredibly ironic that the people who were nice and comforted me about not having anything to do were not the people I was talking about in terms of never calling me any more! They're the ones that do! That makes me giggle.

Time to go strum some Beatles. Peace, baby.

It's a Friday night and not one single person called me to see what's up. This is a complete personification of my life since I've been back. People forgot I exist. This is by no means an accussation, so don't take it personally. It's just an observation. Good thing I'm too tired to do anything anyway.

I just fell out of the chair. I was trying to scare the cats, I guess I succeeded. Now my butt hurts. Today a lady yelled at me on the phone because she owes Coke money.

I am so tired. Sigh.

I am ecstatic for no good reason whatsoever, and there is no one for me to play with. Damn. Damn. Damn. The bike has a flat tire! Damn!

We have two cats in this apartment. They're Julia's. Of the pair, Matrix is the bitch. She won't eat when Pixel is eating, because she is afraid. Pixel pees on my laudry. I think this is an attempt to show me who's boss, but then I just lock her out of my room. She doesn't like that much. But she is just a cat after all, and she can suck it.

Lesson tomorrow. Fingers are sufficiently scabby rough. I wonder if I will choke in the face of danger? Or stand up to my fear of public playing, and dazzle the world with my skills in singing slighty off-key while strumming random chords vigorously. Anything done vigorously is good. If you're going to do it, do it right.

Logan, Goldbug, and I went to Albertson's earlier and bought groceries. I danced in glee at the sight of summer strawberries, and cheese that was really called 'swedish cheese.' It is the small things in life that make me happy. On the way out to the truck I decided I wanted some Albertson's A+ Grape Soda, so Goldbug loaned me a quarter. Woe was I when I discovered, after already depositing my coin, that out of the plethera of flavors only "Diet Cola" remained. Logan pointed out that this is because I work for Coca-cola, and as repayment for betraying my beverage master, I now have bad cola karma.

Life's a bitch. Always Coca-cola!

p.s. Janke, Goldbug looked at your link to paper size descriptions. You are both officially the biggest dorks on the planet.

I *almost* have a very tiny smidge of a tan. I floated on the pool yesterday at Keys West for about an hour. With SPF 45 on, so I didn't accomplish much. But the coke machine was fixed, so now Brad can quit complaining about not being able to buy Dr. Pepper. I am officially a Coke "bitch." Hooray for me. Then I watched some TiVo. I will reiterate my previous point: TiVo rules. You can watch all the best bits of Real Sex 26 with no commercials at 5 in the afternoon on a Sunday! Yes!

Work went well today. I know because I'm tired. I finished my call base super early, and my boss was impressed. I feel guilty because I will probably quit when school starts. Ah well.. but then I got paid and I didn't feel quite so bad.

I'm looking at an apartment on Thursday before I pick up Avi at the airport (assuming he still needs a ride)... so maybe I will be on my own again after I stay with my sister-in-law for a few weeks. Boy it sure will be hard to part with the exciting life to be had in Noble, Oklahoma. I want to have my own apartment! I still haven't even been able to hang up all the cool shit I got on my foreign adventures. The IKEA frames seem lonely stacked all unstylishly. Soon they will have relief.

The Dandy Warhols are blarring... blah-de-blah blah... those lyrics are so right on it's not even funny.

My ass is hanging out because I'm wearing scary short shorts. My snoopy underwear is giving me a killer wedgie. Damnit.

Have a nice day!

so....

that's all i can think to say.

ah my fingers hurt cause i've been playing so much guitar! i like that very much. adam is a good geetar partner. even though i mostly just sang along :) yea for practicing! and i have a lesson next week, double yea! and you guys won't believe this one. i'm skipping two pistol arrows shows.

gigantic GASP here.

but i actually have other stuff to do! imagine that! working and camping. sleeping under the stars... i can't wait.

earlier tonight i strummed on a G chord and my neice screamed out 'sweet home alabama.' she's three, and it was the cutest thing to ever happen anytime anywhere. ever. i'm moving in with her (and my sister-in-law) soon, and she is going to drive me insane. but at least i'll have a singing partner. tiffany, can you believe i'll be living with joe and his WIFE?!?! my brother has a wife!?! what the f?!?!

take it easy all.

content. home watching a movie, a guitar restringing adventure is in the works. oh an going camping this friday night with some of my nice friends. so if you want to tag along you are more then welcome. just let me know.. (it is an all-night adventure. up north, about 30 minutes. i'll drive!)