krink

lotta good stuff.

whew, another close encounter. Luke scared me by saying "oh we should have a drink after the exam is over next week." I froze in my tracks. Exam? What exam? But then I checked the syllabus and the paper we're working on IS the exam. Thank God. If there had been a seperate test I would be fucked. But I'm not. All is well!

Had a beautiful weekend. Good times spent with Vanessa and Erin having dinner and going out. Last night at Smalands I met a nice Austrailian boy, and I had a kiss goodnight. Hooray for goodnight kisses. And holding hands. What a shame I'm leaving, Kate is queen of the temporary "i'm-leaving-the-country-soon-so-we-can't-get-serious" relationship. Oh well. I'll enjoy it while I can. We're going to hang out again on Tuesday, it's a big Swedish holiday. I don't know for what. But everyone sits around and drinks in the parks all day long... lovely lovely! So he's going to get us some beer and we'll meet up and hit the great outdoors. Drunken revelry, hoo-ray! And then Friday I'm playing soccer with Vanessa and Erin and the Swedish boys that live on their corridor.. I've never played soccer before... hmm. It'll be fun. I can scream and yell and pretend I'm at an OU game of some sort.

Curtis emailed, kisses to Curtis. He called me sweetness, I love that. It makes me giggle. I've missed him mucho lately.

woooooooo 22 days!

...The feeling that the occasion roused in the artist. I personally believe that what lasts is what art itself causes to exist in the artist-I mean the sounds that create other sounds, or the phrases that generate new phrases. Bach wrote some wonderful piano pieces that were really meant as piano lessons, but we listen now to their spiritual qualities, now that the occasion is forgotten. The work created its own spiritualality, in a sense, and this lasts.

Homely Girl, A Life by Arthur Miller

I really enjoyed that short story. It was discovered at the city library on Thursday, along with two other novels, and three cd's. Who knew you could check out cd's? Well, I did actually, Jay told me, but I just on Thursday decided to wander into the "musik" section. I found Bob Dylan, Joni Mitchell, and The Cure. They also had Everything but the Girl, next on my list, I've heard good things about it. I checked out the albums and then sat reading the latest copy of NME magazine. It made me EXCITED to get to London - all those articles about the England music scene, and ads for concerts, classifieds for people trying to start bands. Drool. It's like I alwavs like to say... I live [as in alive] for live [as in right there in front of your face] music. Yeehaw.

Janke is again deemed ruler of the free world. He's taking me to see BB King at the Civic Center in OKC on May 28th. What a nice way to ease back into my Oklahoma. With a little BB King. We're bonded you see, we have the same last name. Riiiight.

The boys had their cd release gig last night a la the Deli. I imagine that was some good crazy times, that none of you guys actually went to! For shame! Try as I may and try as I might I can't seem to infuse my love for the country-indie-rock into the world at large. But I will ALWAYS have Teri and Juan to dance with, so that is some comfort at least. I am again having to say, only 3 weeks to the shimmy. baby. Oh, and according to Tamsin, I will apparently have multiple partners with whom to DO the shimmy! I repeat, Yeeeeehaw.

On the Editorial page of NME they listed the top ten cd's they've been listening to in the office, and there were The Shins! I love The Shins! A friend gave me the album last August, and then I saw them play the Medicine Hall soon after. I didn't think they were much of a big thing, just a small band on Sub Pop, but there they are, getting all kinds of London play! That rules. I had 'em pegged before they were big. Maybe the same thing will happen to another certain favorite Oklahoma-based band that I talk about all the damn time. I am a musical good luck charm.

It's a rainy Saturday. Good excuse for me to work on one final assignment to pass my Food Retailing course. Technically already I have passed, but still must turn this one in. I should just chuck it, I already have my grade on paper, but I will be a proper girl and turn in the lousy two-page article review. Oh and here, for something to make you laugh, the critical summary I received last week of the final paper we turned in. The one I did with the frenchies over consumer buying behavior as it relates to culture. I quote my teacher: "Your report hardly meets the minimum criteria but since you did a rather good oral presentation, you receive a pass on the group assignment." Well, gee, how kind of the uptight bitch! That gave me a good loud long laugh as I was opening my mail the other day. It doesn't matter in the least, my grades here have no effect on my OU GPA. (Thank God).

Wishes of love and comfort to all.

Oh no they're everywhere, I can't escape them,
the cute swedish boys. Spikey hair and vintage collared shirts,
sneakers, just-the-right-level-of-tight jeans.

whew!

yesterday I turned myself around. It was really easy, all I had to do was go for a bike ride. 5 minutes in a new direction, and I discovered neighborhoods with skating swedish children, 2 more minutes, and I was standing in the middle of a green field just off of a brown gravel road, with nothing as far as the eye could see but emerald swaying grass and sun and sky. seagulls, the roar of the distant highway. a lonely rippling pond.
and windmills, don't forget the windmills! they're always somewhere spinning along the horizon, faithful those windmills are. very faithful.
I took some pictures that I'll post up sometime this week.
And - of course - I was listening to my new Pistol Arrows cd, it hasn't left the discman in over a week (except one breif reversion to radiohead, they can forgive me that) and nearing the end of 'crowded bed' I stood in the blowing wind and sung the bop-shoo-bop to the skies. Then I danced around a little bit, I think the birds got a kick out of it.

What a lovely afternoon it was!

And I IMPLORE YOU from the bottom-most bottom regions of my heart, if you are in Norman this Friday go to the Deli and dance dance dance! I will love you forever, and not be quite so sad that I have to miss the 'official CD release' gig. Eric's brother Adam has returned to play drums with the boys, and it's supposedly quite a sight to see.

SO GO! Yeah I mean you! GO GO GO!

...and on a completely unrelated note, go to the arts festival in downtown OKC this week!

I just got an email from the OU Public Affairs office stating that person with meningitis visited the campus this past week and they have an emergency response center in the OU field house for anyone who may have been exposed.

That is surreal.

the show i'm going to see in Hamburg on the 8th.

yesterday after class I was headed to the computer labs in alpha to do some research, and i noticed my friend phillipa sitting down on the bike racks having a cigarette. i walked over to ask if i could bum one, and sat down next to her to light up, and then i noticed that she was crying. she turns to me and say "boy you've caught me at a bad time, mate," and slides on sunglasses to cover the tears. i'm glad i did catch her, i'm glad to know that i'm not the only one that is lonely. we had coffee and talked about the crazy life in this obscure country, and then we saw a movie together. we rode home on our rickety bikes and when i turned off down the path to my dorm she said "thank kate, thank you so much." that felt really nice. for once i cheered someone up, and in the process, i felt better too.

now it's tomorrow, and i feel crummy again. just being lazy and that isn't helping. so i'm going to see what i can do to pull myself back up... here's hoping.

love to christie.
where's a girl's teleport when she needs it?
phoo on long distances.

oh HO!
I had super fun and lovely crazy weekend. I was in good company, we danced and drank until the sun came up, then we did it some more. Copenhagen is glorious, crazy club adventures are wonderful. I have a tour guide for London next month (Cheers to Jude), and a Swedish boy thinks I'm cute. You guys would be proud, I smiled! A lot! I was me again for a little while.

Wow!

love to all.

This girl just can't get enough of the Chuck Berry.
on the cover of the album it says "Chuck Berry: Rock & Roll Hero." as opposed to Rock 'N Roll. I think I like my way better, but I'm a country girl, we prefer those contraction type in-between words as opposed to proper English. The album was made in the UK after all.
And speaking of British-type things, tomorrow night I'm going with the boys into Copenhagen to wish Jude a fond farewell before he heads home to Bristol. But I think we may meet yet again, he said he'd buy me a pint when I'm away over in London next month. I think it would require me taking a train to Bristol, which according to Jude is not a very exciting place, but hey, free pint!

Last night was an icky lonely night. Tonight started out to be, but I'm pulling my head back above water. The music helps. I hope Teri calls! I suppose I could go out, but then I'd be sleepy, and since the Copenhagen adventure will require an all-nighter with the 5am train home Saturday morning, I should get plenty of rest. I tried to watch a movie, Wild Things was on TV, but then one of my neighbors is having her ENTIRE FAMILY stay in her room for a week, and they decided to come in and have dinner at 10pm. So I only got to see the first half, it was so bad it was funny. Damn interrupting French people. Get a freakin' hotel room!!! Will they give me no peace?

Sleep blissful sleep. Pretty please...

i laughed so hard it hurt,
you guys will get a 'kick' out of this one.

oh I always feel so much better after i have a tutoring session with my kids. Marie found us an english game to play, and it was great! we laughed a lot, winning involved dinging this little bell, there was much bell dinging going on. we scheduled our last two sessions... *sniffle* I hope Jason is able to take over for me for the remainder of may and the first two weeks of june since I won't be able to meet with them anymore. I'm taking them to see E.T. on Monday night, it will be good practice for them to hear the words in English and then see the corresponding Swedish subtitles. This summer, I will write them letters. Good practice for them, therapy for me, and the replies will be guaranteed to make me smile!

Hi Tim :) Thanks again for the email...

i think my body must think it's a funny joke to revert itself to central standard time on random occassions.
like right now.
sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep please please please.

no autographs, please.
OH ho! And I forget to mention that yesterday I had one of the biggest smiles I have had in a very very long time.
Eric mailed me the new Pistol Arrows album, called Look!, because he is such a super cool guy, and guess who is third from last on the list of people they want to thank in the liner notes?

I'll quote Dolly Parton, as Truvy, from Steel Magnolia's: "Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion."

Dancing! Soon I will be dancing again!

my mom just called and said that she and my dad have been discussing my finances, and they want me to reschedule and come home the first week of May. i think i convinced her to let me stay longer, based on my purchase of a non-refundable ticket to London for the 12th through the 16th, but she said she wants me to cancel my plans trips up north to Finland and Stockholm and going to the concert in Hamburg.

hmm.

I have enough of my own money to cover all of these costs, but she doesn't want me to spend it all. She says I'll need it more when I graduate.

hmm.

Have fun and travel, but be broke and piss of my parents. Have money, but be home without having done anything interesting except six wasted days in France and one lovely afternoon in Oslo, living with my mom, full of regrets. So far my expenses have amounted to $4000, not including the cost of 12 hours tuition we paid to OU. It will take another $2000 to get me through, at least, especially if I'm traveling. Eeek. Is all this worth the total $8000 it's going to end up setting us back? Crap crap crap I should have just stayed home.

All my problems lately have come down to one thing,
money.
Damn it.

Help me out here people!

janke is neat for having copied me this radiohead bootleg,
it is pretty.
when i was in france i played volume one of the 'fly krink fly' series for my friend, and he got so excited when he heard James that he said he was going to go buy the album again.
i wonder how many musical influences janke has on the world each day?
many, i would suspect. he has also turned on a canadian girl to Sigur Ros.

"turned on"... tee hee!

tonight I had dinner with Anya. we didn't know where we wanted to eat, so we walked until we found something good. it's so nice to be able to walk for a short time, and have everything you need right there in one centralized location. ah, sometimes its fun to live in europe.

it's fun to sit in my hoodie and my undies and post crazy emails to my unsuspecting friends.
it's nice to have my radiohead cd's back.
it's comforting to think 35 days to sun, braum's ice cream, tekken tag, and people who speak english. all the time.

Det ar sondag, fjorton april. pa varen, pa sverige, jag har kommit vilse, och ja tror pa hem. jag ska aka hem.

yesterday a girl told me i was cold, condescending, and uncompassionate, and requested that i never contact her again. later that evening, an englishman named Jude told me I was sweet and lovely and kind. now you have to think, who was better prepared to make a classification of me? a person i'd just met, or someone with whom i've spent 6 afternoons with over the last two months. the ironic thing is, i've never been called condescending or cold before (at least not to my face), and it's always been my greatest fear of what i would become. i'm always quick to consider, and indeed accusse, others of being so. uncaring, cold, caluculating. but never myself, i've always been reassuring myself on the inside that i really am a good and sweet person, when in fact i've spend a majority of my time consumed with thinking demeaning and condescending thoughts. this girl was cruel in telling me so, judgemental and incorrect in her other accusations, but when i asked her to stop speaking and please leave my room, she turned with this chilly closing remark:

"you are responsible for your own unhappiness."

and you know what? she is absolutely right.

so now i am faced with 37 days in which to make the best of things. to set things right, to find a place within myself where i can quit being sad. i feel like i got lost somewhere, i just haven't been myself. i've become this metamorphasis of my former self, with all my worst characteristics coming to the surface. so i suppose if i can find a way to be ok with myself the way i am now, at my worst, then i can be happier as things improve. as i make them improve. just one step at a time. it's already been started for me, i've had a group of people who brought out my condescending nature removed from me. i never have to see them again. i've managed to make two wonderful friends here, and i'm going to spend time with them while i still can. one has reacquainted me with my spiritual side. the other has challenged me to do what i really want, and make the world into something that i want it to be. it's a slow process, this rediscovery. it's not easy to look at yourself and not like what you see. but i know that somewhere down under there is a girl that i can be happy with, and i'm going to help her climb to the surface. one step at a time. twenty two years is a long time coming.

i enrolled a few days back. my schedule is less-then-great, but i'll survive. it will be marketing mania. my frist time to take a 4000-level class. only took five years. one year to graduation!... *happy little shimmy dance* OKCCC is giving me the run around, I'm going to research Rose State as another possible location for taking my graphic design classes. it's difficult to negotiate with advisors when you're half a world away.

here's june:
MTWRF 1:50-3:50 FIN 3303 Business Finance
here's this fall:
MWF 8:30-9:20 MKT 4153 Consumer and Trade Promotions
MWF 9:30-10:20 MKT 3023 Marketing Analysis
TR 10:30-11:45 MKT 3343 Retailing Management
TR 1:30-2:45 MKT 4523 International Marketing

today I...
showered, dressed, scheduled laundry time, made to-do lists, emailed my prof begging for mercy, rode the bus, got new books, wrote three letters and three postcards, mailed them, paid my housing bill, told the school and the phone company when i'm leavin', hunted for people, was unsuccessful, drank coffee by myself, went and saw a movie (kate&leopold), came home, made eggs, talked to amy on da phone...

that sounds so much more productive then it actually was. for the most part i was very lonely, but i survived. it's kind of nice to know that i can entertain myself even when there is absolutely no one for me to talk with, if through nothing else then by smoking and thinking about things. and listening to chuck berry. it makes me sad when i walk into the kitchen, and no one says hi to me, and i have to sit and eat, trying in vain to watch television, but unable to do so because they're all talking with each other and having such a nice time. while i sit and be sad. i should buck the fuck up and just talk to them, but it's too hard sometimes. my eggs were yummy. and i ate lots of cream cheese on my bagel. hoo-ray for saturated fat.

i need adventure, i need love,
i miss kisses.

photos from france.

i'm gonna go out with a bang at least...

May 8-11, Hamburg and Berlin. May 12-16, London and Redding. May 17-19, the Carnival. May 20... HOME!

someone upstairs is singing.

Monday, May 20, 2002
DEPART: Copenhagen 10:05 FLIGHT NUMBER:KLM 1126
ARRIVE: Amsterdam 11:30

DEPART: Amsterdam 12:40 FLIGHT NUMBER:KLM 625/NWA 8625
ARRIVE: Memphis 15:10

DEPART: Memphis 17:15 FLIGHT NUMBER:NWA 953
ARRIVE: Oklahoma City 18:43

cruises are fun! I treated myself to the $25 dinner buffet last night. it was very cosmopolitan. i sat and ate my food all proper, and watched Norway drifting by. I sat beside and old dannish couple, they were super cute. The lady let me use her lighter. She smoked Dunhill ultra-light menthols. yum-my. I ate all of my food, and then I ate even more dessert and had some delicious coffee. They treated me like a queen. Fancy restaurants are fun.

Oslo is really pretty. We walked about 45 minutes, and saw the palace, and the Nobel institute, and ended up in a gigantic sculpture park. I took some really hilarious photos of little norweigan children, they'll be up on my site soon. I got postcards, and new jeans, and danced on the ruins of a monastary when nessa and erin weren't looking. Jay and I sat up for 5 hours on the cruise deck in comfy chairs and smoked and debated and talked.. he said he's going to give me bunches of cd's before I leave. he brought copies of his entire collection. weee! i'm gonna get the strokes! and other electronic-type things, as that is his vibe.

this entry sucks.

i just woke up. i kinda have a headache, from not sleeping. i think i'm gonna go downtown and check on my return ticket home at kilroy travles, and maybe drink some coffee, and definately not do my written take-home exam for icelandic sagas. blarg.

ah, i am feeling well today. fully charged like a duracell ultra. i have multiple good phone conversations yesterday. teri + nate + eric + ryan. only seven weeks to go! group meetings will soon ensue, and then perhaps laundry? fill out my apps to OKCCC? write my exam for sagas? daydream? church for sure, tonight in the cathedral at 5. i love going to services in the cathedral. such an overwhelming feeling, to stand upon thousand-year-old stones built up by hand.

very poetic today.
and now i've nothing more to say.

emails people! i need emails!

48 hours to oslo! ha ha!
jay, connie, and i are riding up to Helsingborg early Monday to run around and play, before catching the ferry to Norway at 6pm.
fjords baby.

today i made a boy's bed
that i slept in with the door open
so i could hear him breathing
and not feel so alone
pillows fluffed sheets smoothed corners tucked
i'm just another
unmade bed.

photo page soon to be updated with my pictures a la Clermont.
i have never seen anything so beautiful as the south of france as viewed from a speeding train.. snow white sheep in gleaming green fields. the sun rising over hills. cows with blank stares, cobblestone streets.
lund magically turned to spring while i was gone. there are flowers in the parks, people laying in the sun. tables outside so now you may enjoy your afternoon coffee in the sun. today anya and i went to the park and fed the ducks. giggled at little swedish children, and ate sandwiches. got yelled at for touching a sculpture at the Lunds Kontshall exhibit.
i saw godspeed you black emperor on wednesday night at the mejeriet. words can not begin to describe!

the following entries are transcribed from journal writings i made while in France.

here we go again. on a train, feeling stupid, trying not to cry. i have lost all hints of self-confidence. it is making me weary. can't not dwell on the past. can't stop dreaming of the future. what am i supposed to do? this is nothing. no place i can go no person i can talk to, to make me feel better. i can now see being home and feeling just as bad. i just want to feel better. it isn't right, this isn't right.

good lord my self confidence is shot all to hell. i can't escape it. like being schizo, little voices telling me how stupid and ugly i am. and i believe em too. going home - it's like a virus. these little demons scaring me, keeping me from having fun. forcing me to question every move and every action until i just can't take it anymore. i keep ping ponging back and forth between fine and complete fucked up, and each time just a little closer to the edge. it's like a precipice, gaping, waiting for me to fall over the edge. each time i wander near i'm coaxed just a little closer to falling. down down down.

a billboard is a scratching post for a snow white horse in the south of france.