krink

well it just ate my post. damn. now i'm too tired to write another one.

oh, if you see me on icq, message me, because i don't have my contact list on goldbug's computer.

i think i have outgrown the bluefish phenomenon. that's really strange, because it's the only one i've ever actually been too. the bluefishes of the past have been constricted by other obligations. (read: being in ROTC and having to get up at the butt-crack of dawn to go shoot things. and being in Sweden.) i'm only 22. i should NOT feel old yet. my dad did call me as i was driving home at 12:30, and we had a nice chat. compared tales of Berlin. i can't wait to show him my pictures! he'll be in town for my brother's wedding at midnight Thursday night.

i still feel transplanted and dreamy-like. i finally got to see Christie yesterday, god bless her. she fed me a lot of food, and i got to play with dogs and see the best part of one of my favorite movies. and hold a kitten! yea for kittens! and Matt gave me a nice hug too. i think i will always feel completely at-home and cozy at the Keys #14. i was only there for 15 minutes before i had a new quote added to the quote board. warm fuzzies abound. plus i ate some wendy's. and drank a Bass. can't go wrong there.

"I need to exercise. I don't want to lose my biking ass. I have such a nice ass now!"

tonight i'm going with a one mr. janke to see BB King play at the Civic Center downtown. it will be very cultural and all kinds of good fun. but i'm stupid, i left all my nice clothes in Edmond, so i think i will have to wear jeans. damnit! well i have cute shoes at least.

i'm going to go eat some of Anna'a left-over wedding cake now.

I REALLY need to find a job. It will be better when summer school begins, only one week to go. I think I'm going to walk to the Sinclair and find a Sunday Oklahoman. And coffee. I need coffee.

It feels funny to be living in Parkview.

the pistol arrows last night were kickin', it was some good crazy times. and, kendall's has the best chicken fried steak in the universe!

here is something i wrote on an airsick bag, on the plane ride home:

one and one half hours closer to the end of it all. but end of what? in the grand scheme of things, nothing more then a change of address. a geographical relocation. I wonder how it is that I've come to associate my location with my expected state of mind? I assumed this cross-atlantic sojourn.. vacation, even escape, if you will.. would be my release and my relief. instead it has become a *large amount it cost me omitted HERE* dollar wake-up call. A harsh reality has made itself abundantly clear. I am still the same me no matter where I go. There are no easy fixes or exotic locations that can make that go away. I can go away, anywhere in the world, but I can't leave... can't leave me behind.

And now, so soon back where I began. Back to where I was running from in the first place. I had to leave it behind for a short while to realize what is there for me. and still I must remember how it was before, how it will be again. It will not have changed. There are no magical transformations. Not me, not places, nor the people I know. but-
Miracles are out there, somewhere. Some might say it is a miracle that I survived this emotional roller coaster ride. or perhaps it is a miracle that I'm now more aware of the world at large. altered perceptions, something that is most definately known, but so difficult to express in words.

it's funny that I'm recording deep thoughts on an airsick bag.

hi, oklahoma.
calm calm calm :)
nice to be home!

i wish i could not be so worried about things all the time. ALL THE TIME. it's ridiculous the silly little niggling thoughts that consume my mind. blah! neverending. i'm going to have to ask for help in the morning, i'll never make it to the station in one piece with a sound and settled mind. ah anyways, but i'll be home and safe soon enough. i won't miss my plane, i will get a taxi! jesus. of course i will. why wouldn't i? traveling is not the end of the world.

i reiterate my previous point,
BLAH.

Monday is going to be a long day. I hop a cab at 6am, a train at 6:53, and my first plane at 10:05. Cheers to 18 hours trans-atlantic journies, where at the end stands my mom and my friends with hugs and warm wishes ready. And then blissful sleep in my own cozy bed!

The carnival is a joke. A big crowded sweaty mess of thousands of people, where the lines are too long to do anything in a reasonable amount of time. I stayed for about half an hour. Wasted time! Tired of wasted time. Staying in tonight for some reflection time with my guitar. Tomorrow is friends time, and then I'm up up and away...

so welcome to carnival day, it's gorgeous outside, i should really get out of my room. but this would be contingent on finding people to go run around with, and i have no friends, so here i am :)

i packed half-way last night. most of the clothes, most of the big square suitcase. (goldbug rules for lending those to me) my walls are now entirely blank except for my three maps. that was a big job. i'm a collage girl, and those damn collages took ages to take down. and then all the annoying little bit of putty stuck everywhere... eww. it's really sad to look at. the shelves are empty, the closet is mostly cleaned out,

sigh.

there is no reason to feel sad. but i am just lonely, only three days to go, but they stretch long before me. and then home isn't really going to be all that exciting, it will just be the same old i left because i was bored 5 months ago. but here's the thing: i will have people to talk to, and a piano to play, and shows to go to (and dance!). those seem so little, but being away has been such a time of reflection for learning the kind of things that really matter. there is so much to do and to see, but so little that can make a person happy. so when you find happy things, damn, HANG ON TO THEM.

London was really neat. I think I'd like to live there sometime. Maybe in the next few years if could find a work exchange. It's big and there is a lot to do. Just assuming I could find a good paying job, because it is so freakin' expensive, I think I'd manage just fine. The people are easy to talk to, and that's important. The exhibit on the Thames, the Dali, Chagall, Picasso one was WAY WAY WAY too expensive. I'm not going to say how much. But it had some good stuff. The Dali portion was sketches and sculpture and a few pieces of his furniture. A surprise, I'd only ever seen his paintings. Man that guy can draw. I can't even begin to describe... two series I really enjoyed: Romeo and Juliet, and the Marquis de Sade. R&J was just a series reflecting his personal take on the story, and the MdeS was the same - Dali's interpretations of his writings. Neat. Picasso was all pottery and tapestries, again, who knew Picasso did pottery and tapestries? Very pretty. And Chagall was just Chagall... I sat in awe and amazement and gazed at some stained glass windows he did for about 15 minutes. Lovely. Bought my brother a book in the shop.. good coming home present.

I went back to the National Gallery after that. It's free. Free is good. They have bins everywhere for donations, that are almost exclusively filled with American money. It made me giggle. First time I'd seen a real $20 bill in a LONG LONG time. I saw three very beautiful paintings there, I bought lots of postcards of them and others, and a poster that says "The National Gallery, London." Neat. Trafalgar square was very crowded and very hot. I left and went to the airport 4 hours before my flight, because once I got to Liverpool to get my ticket, I couldn't see myself again braving those crazy crowded streets. I just wanted to rest and read my book.

Rest, yes please.
Tuesday night I will be at the Hi-Lo Club up in OKC, should anyone care to come say hi. Otherwise I'll be down in Norman sometime next weekend.

london is nice. yesterday i got drunk and stumbled around soho, and i took a train up to bedford for the night. the english countryside is really really pretty. i would like to come back someday. today there was a crazy lady on the underground, she sounded like eliza doolittle. she was running up and down the car like a child, pointing at people and cackling. interesting.

sweden tomorrow. well first museums, dali exhibit on the thames, but then home. packing, then my REAL home.

love to all.

i had another bad dream this morning/afternoon, about going home. i did get to hug christie, which was lovely. then it got mean and messy. but i again managed to wake myself up as i realized it must be a dream because i still couldn't remember how the hell i got home. so i woke myself up. i hallucinated a litttle after that, which was freaky, seeing strange people hovering over my bed, but then i woke up woke up and it was all ok. now laundry. i thought last time was the last time, but this time is really the last time i have to wash clothes here. i need clean t-shirts to take to london. i can't wear cute clothes, i learned in berlin, they just get wrinkled, and sweaty. so it's just me and my gameskins tee... maybe someone there will actually know what the code means. hooray.

bus to the airport, countdown, 4 hours. or so. who really cares anyways! damn,
i want to be home.

no rest for the wicked. i came home, bathed, ate pizza. watched star wars. martin made me fried bananas with neopolitan ice cream and "chocolate bits" sprinkled on top. i like listening to irish people talk. i cleaned the kitchen for no apparent reason other then it felt nice to scrub the frenchies scummy dishes clean. talked to miss teri, she sounds tired. rest, teri, rest! have fun at the deli. now piddling online. i should unpack. i should finish cleaning my room. i shoud i should i should but i don't WANNA. and so i'm not gonna.

i don't want to wait 8 more freakin' days, i want to be home NOW. in the oklahoma sun, on my swing set in my backyard, playing with my dog. anticipating shows and friends. listening to my mom sing along while she cooks me scrambled eggs for dinner. play the untuned piano, because i have absolutely nothing better to do. watch my movies, strum my guitar, drive forever going nowhere with the sunroof open and the radio on.

big gulps. skittles. taco bell. wal-mart. friendly people who smile when they meet your eye.
HOME.

tough girl.
i was misdirected into the ghetto of east berlin, in a fruitless search for my hostel,
but i survived in one piece :)
*flex*

tomorrow, london ho!

Berlin says hi!
I'm sleepy. Internet cafe = chill time for the tourist that is me. Heidi and I went on a two hour run in one of those double-decker open-air buses. It was fun. I saw the last standing piece of the wall, the place where Hitler died, the square where the Nazi's burned the books (the anniversary is today, creepy). The hotel last night was right off the KuDam in West Berlin. Fancy pants shopping district. We went to a beer garden and that was fun. The guys who invited themselves to crash on our floor were loud, and that was not fun. Tonight I'm on my own, some backpacker hostel farther west near the olympic stadium. So soon it's back on the crowded streets.. walk to the station to retrieve my bag and then hike hike hike. Listen to German. Smile at the dogs and the cute babies. I don't know what I'll do tonight.. London has me prematurely strapped for cash. So I will wander, and listen to the street musicians. Smoke. Have a beer. Sleep. Train to Copenhagen at 10:30 tomorrow.. one stop over in Hamburg. 7 hours all together, my ass will be mucho sore! Ah but the countryside sure is pretty.

It feels just like an American city. Where everyone speaks German. Odd sensation... pictures will come around eventually.
Auf Wiedersehen!

international collect calls to banks and insurance companies.
aaaaaaaaaaHHHHHHHHHAHhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
my head hurts.
i need a hug.

almost finished everything on the list. caffine-induced headache, I drink FAR too much coffee and coke. for shame. soon sleep, blissful sleeeeeeeeeeep. This day one week, London, This day two weeks, almost home. The Memphis airport. Last night I told a friend that when I set foot on American soil I'm going to strip off all my clothes and run around in the warm sunshiney brightness, and he replied, "uh, you might get arrested for that."
IMAGINATION people.

picture Kate doing a happy little shimmy dance *here*
goodnight.

yay for phone calls. there was much more i was going to say, and now it's faded away. as of wednesday morning=me without email for awhile. travels, etc. i know i'll find an internet cafe, what would i do without my daily lj reads. but everyone will still be around, and i'll just patiently view the sights, and keep dreaming. always with the dreaming... too soon gone. too soon over. too everything. too happy, too sad, too excited, too subdued. wednesday will be too much dancing at the warped show. earlier tonight, the movie the 51st state was too much anti-drug propaganda with too much unrealistic happy endings.
you can never have too much chicken fried steak, or mexican food,
or MOUTAIN DEW!

bastards! turned picture page into a pay service!

used cd store = repeat records. between there and a vendor in the square, i found five albums. the creeps, popsicle, the cardigans, johnny thunders, and radiohead (Kid A. for only $8. wee!)

my radiohead collection is growing to an extent to where any album i purchase is guaranteed to contain the second or third version of every song for me to own. did that make sense? hmm. but i need more stuff. old stuff. pablo honey, plastic little trees, the bends.

the cardigans i first heard when i was 18. my boyfriend jeff made me a mixed tape to listen to while i cruised around in my little white honda. the first love-mixed tape i ever received, he doodled on it. little pictures. we dated for 4 months my senior year of highschool, and he wrote me a note every day. why do i now realize just how wonderful that really was? my freshman year, in a fit of angry rememberance and trying to look 'cool,' i chucked them all into a bin on the fourth floor of walker tower west. some night after ian, big jeremy, chris, and i had gone to visit my mom. we filled out our character sheets for the cross-over game of vampire we were organizing, i was a changeling. pooka fae. why why why did i do throw those notes away? the only thing even closely resembling love letters i have ever received!

.sigh.

i miss gaming. we had some good times those nights, rolling the dice by candlelight. i never see those people anymore. chris left after freshman year, the quintinscential out-of-state national merit scholar who flunked out. ian got a girlfriend. rachel moved back to enid. who do i still see? liz and aun. my only semblance of the original crew. wow that was a LONG time ago. i miss cosmic bowling. skittle slushes at classic 50s. september freshman year, we all drove up to edmond and camped out at arcadia lake. we swam after midnight. i floated out in the scummy water wearing my silly lime green&blue bikini. i could hear the garbled conversations from the shore. my line of vision was only sky. floating suspended, a million stars all around.

wow why the sudden fits of nostalgia? very in-character for me, to be nostalgic. but i'm often wary of expressing it. people would laugh at that, me say i'm wary of expressing anything, this page is such a flow of information that most people could care less to know.

i'm listening to rain pitter patter outside. thinking of friends. it will be nice to see you all again, soon soon soon.

today's mission: swedish music from folk a rock and the used cd store whose name i can not remember.
last night at kulturen amongst pints jon and jonas made me a list:
Sahara Honights. Kent. Lambretta. Bo Kaspers Orkester (orchestra i think?). Motorhomes. The Wannadies. The Helicopters. The Plan. Loose Goats. This Perfect Day. Pushkins. Popsicle. Lok. Brainpool. The Creeps. The Ark. Teddybears. Fireside. Tomas Rusiack.

I have heard of: the helicopters and the creeps. and kent makes me laugh, I dated a guy named kent just before I left. all the music stores have this big black posters with a picture of a white tiger and the word KENT in large while block printing, to promote their new album. I should gank one and take it back to him, that would be silly.

reference to being pale, made me laugh. i was just thinking of just that effect the other day when i was changing into a black tanktop. i don't even look swedish, they all go to the solarium to fake not being scandanavian. oh, the irony.
my ears are squishy from taking an i'm-drunk-so-let's-shower shower. yes. still feelying loopy. i should just go to bed before i do something silly, my finger is getting itchy to start dialing numbers.
bad kate.
no drunk calls.
bad kate!
16 days.
(whoa!)

still lonely.
but then i go back and read things like this that make me smile. sarah rules. amy rules.
friends rule.

Six people in a group writing a paper = absolutely nothing getting done. It's over. And I'm glad!

It's raining. This might equal no soccer. I am having a desire to cancle all the fun things I had planned, they just seem like too much trouble. Now I realize that this is my reclusive mechanism kicking in, and I really have to work to fight it.

Last night I was having more dreams about being home, they won't leave me alone these days. And the middle of being home in my dream, I realized that I couldn't remember how I'd gotten home (i.e. the plane ride) and that I must be dreaming. When I was visiting my friend in France he was impressed with my ability to realized I'm dreaming while I'm dreaming. Is this a weird thing? I think it happens to many people. Maybe the next step will be dream control, and then I can fly around all the time, and have lots of good crazy sex. That would be nice. Dreams are funny things. On one hand relaxing and fun, but then so sad, to wake and think, oh, it was just a dream.

Dreams are haunting me!

I had to say goodbye to Marie-Louise, and Filip and Andrea today,
and that made me sad.
We watched "I am Sam,"
and that made me sad.
I don't have anywhere to go,
and that makes me sad.
Tomorrow I will go play soccer, and not think about being sad.
I'm not going to be sad I'm leaving. I'm going to be happy that I'm coming home.

But I'm scared to come home,
what if it just the same as when all I wanted to do was leave?
ugh.

ooowee. my last time to do laundry. my last time to read soap box instructions i can't understand, last time to wonder why it take 45 minutes for one wash cycle, last time to care.
i don't care i don't care i don't care!
sunshining down, a movie with my kids to look forward to... coffee filled wasted afternoons. school is done. life is free,
18 days!

How did they do that?
(or)
I have too many names.

I know nobody cares but me. So in case you want to do yours, click here.

Your name of Kate has created a practical, responsible, stable nature, and you desire to direct the efforts of others rather than to take order or ask permission. You have a determined, self-reliant, capable nature and resent any interference, although in your desire to help you are inclined to become involved in the lives and decisions of other people. You like to make your own decisions and to be the master of your domain. You feel a limitation in your own expression when it is necessary to reach another through tact and understanding. Although you are honest and fair, a directness in speech is a source of much consternation to you, and you often regret what you say. You also have a tendency to worry. It causes you to be too serious, and interferes with happiness and relaxation that comes with naturalness of expression. Health weaknesses centre in the head appearing as headaches, head colds, and eye, teeth, ear, or sinus problems.

Your name of Mary Katherine has given you a desire for self-expression and for positions that allow contact with people, free from the restrictions and monotony into which you are often drawn. Although you desire to be spontaneous and natural, you are often drawn into technical and methodical lines of endeavour and the incidentals of life. You are friendly by nature, but you cannot enjoy complete ease in association because of a difficulty in expressing yourself. While you can be exacting and thorough in whatever you decide to undertake, and desire to keep a well-ordered life with everything in its place, it is not easy for you to maintain the system and order you would like. There is conflict between your desires and your expression which does not allow scope for your capabilities. This lack of fulfilment of your deeper qualities tends to create repression and frustration. You enjoy sweet, rich foods, as well as meat and starches, and any indulgence would create skin disorders or possible intestinal trouble or growths.

The name of Mary Kate creates a very quiet, practical nature and a clever and inventive mind. Being analytical and naturally studious, you are interested in a factual understanding of the mysteries of life. Your methodical nature requires that you like to finish what you start without interruptions and also to have everything in its place and properly organized. An ability to concentrate could take you into computer programming or accountancy or any work requiring concentration and attention to detail. You have, also, a flair for creative expression with your hands. You take life seriously and can be easily and deeply hurt and go into moods which can be quite extreme at times, causing much turmoil and unhappiness. Finding it difficult to join in conversation with those with whom you are not well-acquainted, you could feel quite alone and uncommunicative with new acquaintances or in a large crowd. As a result, you could be accused of being unfriendly. You desire so much to be understood, but your name has limited your verbal expression to such an extent that it is very difficult for you to divulge your innermost thoughts even to those closest to you. One of your greatest salvations is being out in nature, for it is there that you find the peace and serenity you so much desire. Physically you could suffer through tension in the heart, lungs, or bronchial organs, and also through intestinal problems, constipation, etc.